Guitars are brilliant, especially electric ones. They make either a really dirty satisfying noise or a really satisfyingly crisp one. They're so brilliant that they can feature over and over in band after band without anyone getting fidgety, or thinking it remotely odd that practically all the music they listen to is anchored on their excellent grunting crunchage.

But, deceptively, their genius is not their sound. Their endless appeal lurks in something far more sinister. The electric guitar is an electrophallus.

Of course, every guitarist knows this, and every guitar fan recognizes it at least subconsciously. It's not as if Fender have ever tried to hide it (I mean just look at the Stratocaster). I only mention it because it recently occurred to me that this fact may explain what's wrong with my band:

No one has an electrophallus.

The general emasculation and edgy insecurity suffered as a result of this has to be seen (or heard) to be believed. Keyboard Choir compensate by making as much noise as possible (or at least if they're not doing that, then they're getting ready to, bless them). Now I'm not saying that's a bad thing. On the contrary, it could be seen as the magnificent war-cry of the electrofeminist revolution; or, if that's too silly for you, the studied angst of the underdog. But, psychology aside, one thing I am sure about is that it makes being in a band with them akin to living in a five-bedroom flat occupied exclusively by fifteen-year-old kids.

So, and I think this is my point, if you're looking for a straightforward band dynamic, you could do worse than get a guitarist. At least then everyone will know what their electrogender roles are supposed to be.

Alex Wallwork

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