You love it, we love it and there certainly wouldn’t be any point on putting a show on without out fans there to appreciate it. But how does the ardent fan of today’s popular culture outfits keep from treading that fine line between ‘fan’ and ’stalker’?

Here are 5 rules to live by.

1) Everything in moderation
The biggest con of the poor fevered rock fan is to make them think they need every format of every release their favourite band has ever made. You don’t need the vinyl, CD, download and 8 track cart. I mean who bought The Fratellis single on a USB stick for the love of Pete? I reckon if Shellac released the 2″ master tapes for you to remix ‘Excellent Italian Greyhound’ for yourself, somebody would go and buy themselves a 24 track studio to do it. DOESN’T MEAN IT’S RIGHT!! Buy the best format for you (e.g. stuffy/the fuses‘ ‘Angels Are Ace’ vinyl that comes with the download for your iPod £9.99 inc VAT) and if you have £20 burning a hole in your pocket take a chance on a bunch of 7″s from the Rough Trade shop or get a Deerhoof album. Go expand them horizons.

2) Mental Health
Keep it in perspective, it’s only music. I know you like it, but don’t let it become an obsession. My mate Phil Collins had an obsessive fan who changed her name to ‘The Giant Hogweed’ (after some Genesis track or other) and moved into his potting shed at the bottom of his garden and had to be forcibly removed. Now I know ornamental hermits are all the rage with the mansion dwellers but I don’t recommend it to a bunch of twenty-something rock fans.

3) He’s not your Pal
Sometimes you can meet a genuinely lovely pop or rock star like young Gareth Gates. You may have a lot in common, get on like a house on fire, and eventually rent a flat in Camberwell together. However, it’s not likely. All artists and performers appreciate your attention and many of them do take time out to meet and greet their fans - so they bloody well should. They may even let you join them for a drink between soundcheck and gig if they don’t think you’ve got a machete stuck down your y-fronts. But don’t expect it and don’t be sad if you’re not exchanging numbers by the end of the night. If the ’star’ is a bit grumpy and didn’t sign your tour program, don’t let it spoil your night. They is just people and sometimes they have off days.

4) Alpha Fan Pant hooot! It’s not about who’s the biggest fan, don’t waste your time online going on about what/who you know, how many times you’ve been around to James Blunt’s for Coffee “or Jimi as I call him” and getting affronted if it turns out somebody thinks they love The Zutons more than you do. Don’t get to the point where you are virtually claiming ownership of your chosen faves, once they get wind of that it’s all over for you, them and what remains of your sanity.

5) Enjoy yourself, it’s easier than you think
I’ve already touched on the ‘perspective’ issue so now just sit back and enjoy the music. Do get involved in the communities. The online forums that record the post gig buzz are one of the best things about the internet. Turn your stereo up to 10 and, if you really have to, air drum or guitar yourself into a stupor. If your favourite band a playing a few gigs in a row then why not take some time off and follow them from town to town for a bit in your Ford Fiesta? Better still, go discover more music to be mad about. Don’t fixate on one band, get into loads of them. As my hero, Tim Smith of Cardiacs always says “It’s just tunes, innit?”

Fans, can’t live with them - because that would be weird.

What the hell do I know about this subject? Why do I think I have all the answers? Well, I don’t really, just a few points that I reckon might help you on the way to stardom or ease your passage through perpetual setbacks and missed opportunities. I’ve not done it all, but I’ve seen a bit of it…

1) Get A Van
It doesn’t matter if you are a bunch of indie pups starting out or have recently been railroaded into a fantastic Atlantaphone EMI deal with hundreds of pounds to piss up the wall, after a weeks worth of slumming it around the choicest venues from Newcastle to New Cross it will have come in at under what you paid for a plush Merc Splitter. Sure it won’t have a DVD player and a Playstation 3. You may be lucky in that it’s young enough to come with a cassette player. It’s a few hundred quid upfront to invest in your travelling circus that will work out cheaper for you in the long run. Plus now ‘have van will travel’, you never know when that last minute support slot with The Klaxon Chiefs might appear; you can pack up your banjos and get your arses down to the love bus and be up the M1 in no time.

2) Talk to me
When we start bands we aren’t always aware of what an emotional rollercoaster it can turn into. Like any marriage it may give you a lifetime of unrequited love and respect. On the other hand it could end in a messy, hurtful divorce with two or more fighting for custody of a vintage Fender Tele. You don’t have to spill your guts out to each other on a daily basis but do remind each other occasionally that you like each other. If someone is being the band troll, take them aside and suggest that maybe they could stop being such a fat headed pig fucker (or words to that effect) and to maybe take some time out. Don’t get to the point of thinking that the drummer sat in the back seat, shades on, with a face like an arse full of wasps is plotting your downfall. Finally, make sure you get some time alone, your own space is a healthy place to cultivate.

3) Image of you
Don’t get me wrong on this one, it’s not all haircuts, dressing like some Camden tramp and hanging out at some stinking uber-indie pub. But then again it’s not all about the music. When you take the stage you are there to entertain and it’s not so different to theatre that you can get away with not looking the part. Hey, if you look good, you feel good, you play good. You don’t have to come up with some concept or other like boiler suits (though they look great on Polysics and Beachbuggy) or some lame t-shirts with your band name on (ahem). Just make sure that what you are wearing co-ordinates well, if your dole cheque has come through, cash it with immediate effect and buy something nice to wear for stage only. Think of it as being like a date, you might not get a follow up date if you wear your dickiest pair of 80s stonewashed jeans and your stinkiest thread bare Ramones t-shirt… Actually…

4) No showcase, no way
A sweaty, horrible badly lit rehearsal room with a few invited guest from a bunch of labels is not always the best setting to impress. A) Even with the best of intentions these people rarely turn up unless a gang of them are hot for you and want you to sign. It usually takes a bit of persistence to get Mr. or Ms. Bigg to a show so maybe book a few gigs instead and hope they come to one of those. B)If you are as big a show off as me then you’ll want an audience to strut around infront off which will help extract your best performance. You don’t want to be checking the disinterested expression of an A&R person’s face whilst blistering through your potential radio friendly unit shifter. C) It’s a sweaty, horrible badly lit rehearsal room.

5) Tour diet
All I’m going to say on this subject is that after a week the Ginsters fetish will take it’s toll. Empty carbs and hydrogenated fats do not for a happy, clean smelling tour bus make. If you get a rider, make sure there are some veggie sticks and some fresh produce/juices. Finally never pull off at a motorway service unless there is an M&S provided. The oat & banana breakfast smoothies are the best.